So, I’ve been thinking for a while about doing a blog post about long-distance relationships. Because I hate them and think they’re doomed to failure and swore I’d never enter into one. And then…I did. Like, a super-long distance. For many months. And I’ve been bad at it and I’ve been good at it and I still don’t know if I “believe” in them or not, but I certainly understand their occasional necessity.

But this actually isn’t about any of that. Because, as I was aimlessly googling on this topic, I discovered this and oh, how I had to write about it. Thus:

(At Least) 10 Things I Will Never Do With My Long-Distance Boyfriend (and one thing I kind of already did)

6. HoochyMail!
Okay, so maybe Frank doesn’t like this one so much… HoochyMail is a website where you enter information and it automatically generates a story with your names in a MadLib type fashion. You choose the story level: sexy, x-rated, or off the wall. I did this for Frank, and cried laughing reading the story the website generated. I think Frank just stared at his computer with his eyebrows bunched up.

Yep, I’m gonna agree with Frank on this one. An x-rated MadLib? Can’t we all agree that that’s the least sexy concept ever? Also, isn’t the whole point of a MadLib to insert the word “cum” into otherwise unremarkable situations to hilarious effect?

…heh. “Insert.”

11. Make a website!
Make a website about your relationship that you both can work on. It is a great way to track your progress in your relationship, and what a great idea it would be to add a timeline….

I really hope that’s the only bit of data that future scientists discover when they attempt to piece together this era. “And you see here, Jenkins, where they’ve exhaustively described the linguine prepared and enjoyed on their fifth and a half (because that time they just got a sandwich on Jane’s lunch break didn’t officially count) date? Clearly, this formed the backbone of some sort of primitive religion…”

17. Send fun coupons
They can redeem them the next time you see them. These are great to include in care packages along with other nice items they may enjoy.

Actually, Ed and I once had a conversation about this. And I told him that the day he makes me bargain for physical contact with a goddamned coupon is the day we are done. He was sad, because he’d already made a whole stack of “One Free Hug” coupons, but it’s okay, he’ll make coffee sleeves out of them or something. He’s green like that.

But seriously…coupons are the creepiest, unsexiest, old personiest thing to introduce into a relationship. It makes doing nice things for the person you love explicitly transactional and equates your hugs, kisses and whatevers with dry goods and dented cans of pineapple. No coupons. Really.

20. Send a Hip-Hop gram.
You can send a song to your love with their name actually in the song. And it’s free! All the lovey dovey type songs are only meant for sending to girls for some reason…

This suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of either Hip Hop or singing telegrams. Or possibly both. Actually, probably both.

22. Take an online compatibility test.
SimilarMinds.com offers a compatibility test that you can take with one or more people. Fill out the form and they will send an email to whom you choose so they can take the test. Once you have both completed the test, you’ll get an email that tells you your results. Want to know our results? Frank and I are 75% similar and 81% complementary. I hope that’s good!

There’s something similar on here about “love quizzes” or something like that. But I can’t help but feel like these are annoyances at best and, at worst, the kind of doofy little thing that can get you all worked up if you’re already in a strange and stressful situation. Like, say, loving someone and being unable to interact with them on some of the most important human levels. And then before you know it, you’re pounding car bombs and wailing about how your 64 percent similarity score means that your significant other is probably boning a clerk from 7/11, like, right this instant. I advise staying far away from Cosmo for similar reasons.

23. Make them cookies 🙂

I would totally do this, actually, if they wouldn’t be all stale by the time they got there. I make awesome cookies, man. Unfortunately, Ed doesn’t really bake. And you just can’t demand that someone mail you grilled cheese or vegetarian curry from Belgium. Not that I haven’t seriously considered it.

44. Share LDR bracelets.
Get one for your girlfriend/boyfriend, or for yourself too.

Show off your long distance pride. A keychain option is also available. You can include a special message too!

An actual conversation that Ed and I had in January:

Me: So, at New Year’s, my grandmother asked if you’d given me a promise ring.

Ed: …is that like a decoder ring?

So, um, we’re not so much for the commemorative jewelry. Although, a relationship decoder ring would totally rule and I would use it all time because, quite frankly, I’d like to feel more like a WW2-era spy.

But really, what would your long-distance relationship keyring say? “Never drive faster than your long distance relationship can fly”? “My other car is in a long distance relationship with a Russian tank”?

54. How much do I love you?
This next idea is an email game created by Evan.
I made up this little game for my gf and I to play… all you do is email each other “how much you love them” and the point is to use analogies and try to top the last one sent. Example would be: “I love you like pigeons love statues.” And then she’ll reply with one and keep trying to make them better and better, really makes you think when your out and about working and whatnot. You find yourself trying to look around for an idea for a better one. Just a little something that you can have some fun with. =)

I’m sorry, people resent couples enough without adding this cutesy bullshit into the mix. Plus, “I love you like pigeons love statues”? Like, feces are involved? That’s a glimpse into your private life that no one wants, sir.

59. Hold hands.
Thad is the genius behind this next idea. Thad writes:
Last weekend when my girlfriend, Cheryl, was visiting I got another idea for you to add to you list. We were visiting a bookstore in western Massachusetts that is housed in an old mill — its an amazing place and it was a great time to go through children’s books with Cheryl (she’s an elementary school teacher) but its not the subject of my idea. As we were driving south on I-91 to Springfield, Massachusetts to meet a friend for dinner we happened to pass the Yankee Candle company factory. She had heard that you could dip your own candles so we decided to turn around and find our way there. As it turns out, you can’t actually visit the factory itself, but they have a pretty amazing visitor center with shops and restaurants a bit farther up the road. And yes you can dip your own candles and other wax creatures. The idea I wanted to share is that you can also do wax molds of your own hands. We each did one, and are planning to trade them off. This would make a nice wonderful gift, and it was a really fun experience. They’re only $5 each and it only takes a few short minutes. So if you’re in the area, I strongly recommend a visit to the Yankee Candle Shops in South Deerfield, Massachusetts.

If you aren’t anywhere near Massachusetts, don’t worry! You can also find hand molding kits in any crafts store. Just think… you’ll be able to hold his/her hand whenever you want to! 🙂 Thank you for the awesome idea Thad! 🙂

…holy fucking shit. Yikes. I’m just picturing some dude in his lonely apartment, delicately clutching a wax facsimile of his girlfriend’s severed hand…just…wow. Wow. One or both of these people are going to end up in eight garbage bags at the bottom of a river.

95. Create a timeline and predict your future together
This next idea comes from Mia. Her and her boyfriend created a timeline together predicting and setting date goals of major life events including:
When to move in together
When to get married
When to have your children
etc…
Don’t get too serious about it, just make it a fun, even silly 😀

Totally fun and silly! What could be more whimsical than discovering that your significant  other has the two of you on a detailed, long-term schedule and that you’re going to have to pick up the pace if Tad Junior is going to graduate from Harvard on time?

Make Babies! 😛
Well, not real babies… haha. MorphThing.com is a website that can take two images (one of you and your boyfriend/girlfriend) and generates an image of what your future child might look like. It is the coolest thing ever! 🙂

Full disclosure: I morphed the shit out of Ed and I. I can’t resist these things! Even though, last time I did one, it suggested that my closest celebrity facial match was Dolph Lundgren. According to sophisticated interwebs morphing technology, our baby will be whiter than summer yachting camp. Seriously, they gave our morph!baby blue eyes? I don’t have blue eyes. Neither does anyone in my immediate family, to my knowledge. And it was actually paler than I am. Paler! Than! Me! Also, it had a lumpy, misshapen head. Given this evidence, though, if we do ever have a kid, I wouldn’t have to defend myself from accusations of infidelity with an encephalitic viking. “Remember? The internet told us this would happen!”

I think this has strengthened our relationship already.

In as much seriousness as I can muster, loving someone from far away is really hard and not anybody’s recommended lifestyle. So, you know, if you have to make a morph!baby or do simultaneous karaoke to stick with someone, then go for it. This is silly and often weird but I can’t really knock on the attempt to hold on to someone when all the normal avenues of relationship building are closed to you.

…except for that hand thing. That’s some proto-Ed Gein shit right there.